Turning 5
My little Pickleman,
Tomorrow you will turn 5 years old. I can’t forget it because you have been reminding me of the fact that tomorrow is your birthday for several weeks now. FINALLY five! You informed me this morning that tomorrow you will be a grown up man. The very thought of that makes my throat swell with emotion. You will be soon… sooner than you know.
So who are you now my little man? So many words to describe you and yet none of them could possibly capture your enthusiasm and spirit.
You were such a surprise to us when we found out you were coming. Maybe one day you will understand the awesomeness of the emotions I felt when I found out you were in my tummy. I felt a whole rainbow of emotions, ranging from awesome fear to awe that a miracle of life was upon us once again.
The 8 ½ months I carried you, you snuggled and hardly moved. You wanted to be as close as you could and only shifted to get closer and more snuggled. So comfortable were you that you did not flip for us you little stinker. So you were delivered by a cut in my tummy two weeks earlier than planned. You came out kicking and screaming and looking EXACTLY like your daddy. You still look like your daddy to this day. Just like him.
You also still want to cuddle and get as close as you can. At night you snuggle on my shoulder and tell me “I love you mommy” at least 5 or 6 times as you drift off to sleep. Sometimes you tell me I am your “sweetheart” or your “sweet love” and how you will love me forever, even after I die, or you die, whichever comes first. You have asked me to marry you so many times I have lost count. And then…a few weeks ago you said, “Mommy, I know I can’t marry you now. I have to marry someone who is not my family” and I felt a sharp pang in my heart as you came to this realization. You grew up a little more on that day. I pray for whomever she is who will win your heart. I pray she will love you will all of hers as much as she loves the Lord. She will be receiving a blessing indeed.
I know you are getting too old for me to continue to lay down with every night and you should be going to sleep on your own. What makes it so hard to tell you “no” is that for you its truly heartbreaking for me to say I am not going to lay with you for a few minutes. Your eyes well up with tears and your bottom lip quivers. Its not a temper tantrum, or a childish cry because you are not getting your way. It is true despair at the very idea of not having those moments to snuggle and be close and you will cry yourself to sleep quietly if I don’t come. This will pass soon. Soon there will come a day when your friends will make fun of you if you say that your mommy lays down with you and you won’t want me to anymore because you will be a “big boy.” I have a feeling it will be very soon. So for now I am treasuring these tender moments when you share your day and your thoughts in soft whispers before you fall asleep. You whisper your love and your prayers, just as your sister used to do with me when I lay with her. This too shall pass soon and I will miss it.
You are so caring and kind. You have always been considerate and thoughtful of others in a way that is unusual for a child your age. You are so enthusiastic and happy. It’s just who you are. You wake up in the morning with a wide smile and all dimples. You are agreeable to most anything and say “SUURA” to any suggestion with a smile. I hope you keep these traits and that life doesn’t knock you down too hard and cause you to lose some this bright spirit. Hold onto to your joy, for you are so joyful in all that you do.
You pray with all your heart. Sometimes you pray emphatically, “Please don’t let anyone get sick…please, please, please. Listen to me God. Hear me.” I especially love to hear you say “I LOVE you God. Thank you for my family.” You pray with such feeling for everyone and you earnestly mean every single word. You and Alyssa both do. I hope you will always pray with such heartfelt emotion and turn to God for guidance and answers. Your name means “righteousness” and you are such a good steward of your name.
You adore your sister. Just this morning you insisted on giving her a big hug and kiss as you told her goodbye and she tolerated it painfully. One day that too will pass and I am afraid she is going to miss it, although she doesn’t believe it when I tell her so. You get so excited and want to share your joy with her whenever you see something that you know she would like. Try to hold on to that joy of sharing with your sister kiddo. She will come back around and want to share those joys with you again soon. Being her age with a baby brother isn’t easy on a girl but she loves you more than you know. She is about to find out how much she does feel about you when you start school next year. I have a feeling she will be quite defensive of you. She, who named you “Pickle” so affectionately years ago, will not take kindly to anyone picking on you when you go to big school next year. You’ll see.
If you adore your sister then I suppose you absolutely worship your daddy. That’s all you have ever said you want to be when you grow up, a daddy. You have stuck to that. That other day you were dismayed to discover that you could not carry babies in your tummy, that your wife would have to do that for you. I suspect you might change your mind on this feeling before long but for now that is your only goal in life. It is a noble one and not just anyone can be such a wonderful daddy. I know you will be an AWESOME daddy one day. As there is no finer form of flattery than imitation I think it stands that your daddy has had a profound impact on you. You get SO excited to see him the moment his car pulls up. You still jump up and down (as you have since you COULD jump) shouting “Daddy’s home!! Daddy’s home!!” Every. Single. Time. I know that this too shall pass and I suspect your daddy will mourn that a bit himself. Even if it is a bit overwhelming some days to get you to calm down, like a wild puppy, when he gets home. Sometimes it takes upwards of 10 tries for you to finish one sentence you get so excited and keep saying the same thing over and over. I love to hear you say “Daddy will you play with me?” I hope to hear that for many, many years to come. The play may change of course, but I hope you will always want to play with your daddy. He needs that as much as you do and always will. I hope you will keep that in mind when you get older and have all the guys over to play. I’m no good at play, I never have been and I wish I were better at it. But your daddy is THE BEST. I could watch you and Alyssa play with him for hours. He loves you fiercely little man.
Speaking of loving you fiercely so do I. I love you and I am so proud of the smart, enthusiastic, gentle boy that you are. I hope you have a wonderful birthday my sweet boy. Mommy loves you, and I always will. No. Matter. What.
~Mama
Levi at 1 1/2
Levi at "almost" 5
